Diary ni Luis

“Alam mo kung anu ung matapang na gawin i-let go yung taong alam mo na sobrang mahal na mahal mo. Pero alam mo kung anu ung mas matapang na gawin - yung magpatuloy ka sa buhay pagkatapos mo sya i-let go kahit hindi mo alam kung anung mangyayari o san ka tutungo.”

Minsan sa buhay natin may darating para baguhin yung pananaw natin sa mundo. Minsan yung tao na yun hindi mo inaakala na darating sa iyo para magbigay ng mga magagandang alaala na hindi mo makkalimutan, yung tipong pag naiisip mo magbibigay ng ngiti sa mga labi mo, aakalain mo na magstay sa’yo ng matagal minsan naman my dadaan lang sa buhay natin para magbigay ng magagandang aral at alaala.

"Yes?"

Text nya sa akin pagkatapos ko siyang i miss call pag kahiwalay namin mula sa bar na pinuntahan namin

"Wala lang miss na kita agad" ang sabi ko

"Toinks. kumain kana at matulog." ang reply nya sa akin.

"Why I have the feeling that you are going to leave me or iignore mo ako pag nagkita tayo."

"Nyay hindi naman ako ganun. Hindi kita iiwan no matter what happen." sagot nya sa akin na pinanghawakan ko.

"Gusto kitang panindigan pero di ko kya." sabi ko dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko kyang manindigan sa isang relasyon dahil sa mundong ito maraming tukso at hindi mo alam kung anu at ang alin ang totoo, pero gusto ko talagang manindigan para sa kanya, di lang ako sigurado.

"Toinks. What I have learned from the past is we should take it slow and at the end of the day we should change."

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Tandang tanda ko pa yung unang exchange ng messages namin. I was overwhelmed, for the longest time na tumatambay ako sa bar na yun nakakilala ako ng isang tao na sa tingin ko magbabago ng tingin ko sa lugar na yun. Pero at the back of my mind takot din ako dahil hindi lang yun ang unang beses na naramdaman ko yun pero gusto kong subukan, gusto kong maniwala sa kanya.

Ako si Louie nagwowork, sa BPO, 27 years old sakto lang itsura minsan gwapo o kyut. Sa edad kong ito marami na akong na-experience halos lahat ng bawal na try ko except sa pumatay ng tao. Pero gusto ko italiwas ang isip ng ibang tao na pag call center wild na, kasi ang sa totoo sa haba haba ng panahon na parte ako ng industriya na to hindi lahat katulad ko. Marami sa amin mga magulang, single parent, estudyante, o ginagawang pangbuhay ang aming trabaho. Iba mga fresh grad na nagbabakasali, mga undergrad na hindi binibigayan ng magandang oportunidad ng ibang kompanya mga ahente na pinipili ang magpuyat sa gabi kapalit na marangal ng kita. Just a note napagtapos ako ng ate ko dahil sa work nya as an agent.

Lagi akong tambay sa isang bar within the metro. Bar sya na kadalasan na puntahan ng mga bi, discreet kuno na gays, at mga babaita o dyosa. Halos every rest day o tuwing my chance pumupunta ako dun at sa taon ng pagpunta ako dun, marami na akong nakilala at hindi lang basta kilala mga guys na nakadaupang palad ko. Kkk. Kinilala, kinant*t, kinalimutan. Ganun lang lagi, hi, hello, taga san ka? Ilang taon kana? Anung work mo? My kasama ka? Anung oras na? top, bottom, or versa? Mga very common na tanung sa lugar na yun. Minsan kindatan lang, anu kaya titig lang taz sa isang table na maya maya pupuwesto na. Ganun kadali maghanap ng sex sa lugar na yun, kaya gustong gusto ko pumunta dun.

Dito ako natuto makisama at makipagkaibigan ng mabilisan. Dito ko napatunayan kung gaanu kaagresibo ang mundo ng mga hindi straight na guy. Dito na rin ako nainlove ng maraming beses, yung tipong sobrang attracted ka sa kanya feeling mo mahal mo na yun pala after ng buwan, minsan weeks o madalas days lang joke lang pala. Pero meron ako nakilala dun recently na hindi ko ineexpect na magdadagdag kulay sa buhay ko. Isang lalake na hindi ko aakalain na magbibigay sa akn ng saya, lungkot at kung anu ano pang emorsyon. Sya si Marco.

I remember the first time I saw him. He was kissing and flirting someone else sa table nila. Our eyes met, stuck to each other – we just need at least 12 seconds gaze to each other to call it love at first sight – indeed it was, well at least on my end. The next thing that I know we say “Hi” to each other sa comfort room staring to our reflections on the mirror smiling back to his cute and sweet smile. He was shy and I was nervous and I started to lose my breath away. I’m not sure what I was thinking but I did not let the moment to just pass on – I hug him from behind when he was about to return on their table with my surprise he wasn’t shock on my gesture. It lasted for 10-15seconds but it feels forever.

It took me forever to realize that he was already facing me and biting my lips. We are already inside the cubicle when I fought back on his kisses. It was a passionate kissing for me, like a kiss on a honeymoon, first kiss, lips to lips, it was so sweet. I don’t know how the kiss ended but I was pretty sure that I want more; I want something to happen between the two of us. I slowly undressed his shirt – oh shit he has one of the best chests - ang puti, makinis at my built ng muscle – I adore it so much. I gently kiss his neck down to his chest. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do when I reach his nipple – it’s too gentle to bite – so I just slowly licked it like tasting a lollipop when you first remove it from the wrapper then I purse my lips around it then I lost my mind – I want it so badly that I was already biting it gently.

Aaaahhhhhhhh, fuck – common baby don’t stop Ahhhh – the sound of his voice that like an erotic song to my ears that commanding me to never stop. It was intense that he was pushing his body to me, feeling his very erotic shaft on my belly – I can feel the urge, every skin touching mine was a flame. I touched it and surprized to know how huge it is. It was very hard and when I define huge again now – it’s gonna be him. Darn! I started to rub my hand outside his pants and every inch of his dick was like a trophy from Famas, you want to feel it as your greatest reward. Aahhh honey fuck, common taste it, shit!

I don’t know what got into my mind that his every word was like a spell that’s unbreakable for me. I unzipped his pants and pull it down together with his undies. I wasn’t shocked anymore but delightful to see his manful shaft by then. It’s around 7-8 inches cock with perfect erection and mushroom pink head. I grab it and rub it using my hands, it was hot, so hot and again like a lollipop I landed my tongue on its helmet. Shit, jeeezz, aaahhh, whispering words from him. I can’t define the taste of his pre cum that I swallow, it was like my most favourite taste that I haven’t taste before. I suck him for like 5-8minutes and literally blow him off, I drove him crazy – I’m not a good sucker but I want to please him with any way that I can. I felt that I was so amazing that I managed to deep throat his shaft – up until now I’m not sure how I was able to do that. Suck, deep throat, licking of balls, side to side, around the head, it’s filling up my whole mouth.

I was under the impression that he will cum inside my mouth when he asked me – do you have rubber? – huh? I want to get inside of you - on his very seductive and begging voice. It took me a moment to process what he meant but it takes courage, fear, and desire for me to stand up from my worshiping position to unbutton my pants to allow him to fuck me. Courage to have 8inch dick to penetrate my asshole, fear to lose him if I’m not gonna let him do it, and desire to please him to any possible or even impossible way that I can do.’ I don’t have rubber but I want you – then that’s fine baby.’ He was kissing me until we managed to pull down my pants and undies. He kissed me very gentle before he asked me to turn back.

I was afraid on how it would feel to have it inside, but everything turned into sensation when his dick head touches my asshole, he was teasing me – it was heaven. He spit out and lubricated his shaft and the next thing that I know is that the head is already in my watery hole. Painful – he kissed my nape to divert it to different sensation. He pushed his body close to mine and I can feel it – I feel it – every inch, every little inch of his dick as he slowly advancing inside. Painful but it turns to totally different sensation when he finally filled up everything in me. He did not move yet, not until I feel the wholeness of his manhood. Shit. Ahh. Fuck. Jeez.

We were standing and he was hugging me from the back when he slowly moves in and out. Slowly getting in then out, fuck, I can feel the hardness of every inch of him. It was hypnotizing and the pain already gone and turns into pleasure. He moves slowly then faster then slowly then he finally said I’m cumming. I don’t have doubt when I ask him to cum out inside of me I was jerking off and almost there as well. Then both of us explode – he was inside of me and me playing myself. Then we kissed again passionately I felt that we are on E. helpless, exhausted, and devastated by the pleasure of what we have done. It feels so good that I want it last forever. I hope it will.

After mangyari yun we used to hang out sa same bar pa rin. We took time to get to know each other, madalas magakausp sa text, o kaya sa FB messenger kasi hindi sya nagloload. First month that we know each other feeling ko kami na. Wala lang I love you, but the way I treat him and give importance to him would define my feelings toward him. Kahit sa sex kami nag umpisa gusto kong patunayan na my mararating kami. I even call him Dad, coz at times mas matured sya sa sakin magisip at kumilos, well his 30 pero mukhang 25 lang. Magkasabay umuuwi from work kahit magkaiba yung shift namin, kasi naabutan ko sya dahil sa OTs ko or madalas hinihintay ko talaga sya. Kumakain sa labas, nanonood ng sine, nagmo-mall at kung anu ano pa. Parang kami pero hindi.

Hindi kami pero alam ko mahal ko sya. Ako unang nagsabi na hindi ko alam kung kaya kong makipagcommit dahil sa family and friends ko na hindi alam kung anu ako, sa mga bagay na nagawa ko in the past at sa kung anu ako – yung totoo di ko kayang tanungin kung pede kami kasi takot akong mareject nya kahit alam kung gusto nya ako nung una. Takot ako na hindi nya ako matanggap ng buo. Takot akong mawala sya. Alam kung hindi kami pero isang bagay ang sure ako, ayokong mawala sya.

Until one day, ung madalas na pagi-initiate nya ng conversation naging madalang, yung kapit nya sa pasmado kong kamay hindi mangyayari kapag hindi ko hinawakan ang kamay nya, yung yakap nya naging obligasyon na lang dahil niyayakap ko sya, ung halik naging dampi na lang sa mga labi. Yung saya na nakaksama ko sya napalitan ng lungkot at pain sa bawat pagtanggi nya. Alam kong hindi kami, mali ko lang hindi ko sinaksak sa kukote ko yun.

Everything ended up nung iniwan nya ako sa Circle after kong mag-bike after we visited a dental clinic for my teeth cleaning. We were Ok nung sinamahan nya ako sa dentist. Pero along the way papuntang circle, nabadtrip sya nung tinawagan ko yung officemate ko regarding work. Nagpaaalam ako na bibili ng barbeque after kong magBike, pero I can sense na badtrip na sya so I asked him kung gusto nya ng umuwi and he asked me back ‘uwi na ako’ ‘cge uwi kna’ at biglang talikod sa isa’t isa ng walang lingunan. Pero umaasa ako na hahabulin nya ako katulad ng dati nyang ginagawa pag iniiwan ko sya pag bad trip ako but I just have a little hope na mangyayari yun.

At tama nga ako I just received messages from him after 3 hours being alone thinking about everything na nakauwi na sya na kailangan ko na magmove on sa feelings ko. Nung una di pa nagsi-sink in ung lahat pero pagkauwi ko niyakap ko na lang mom ko at umiyak ng umiyak na hindi ko masagot ang tanong nya bakit ako umiiyak. After nun I followed yung sinabi nya magmove on kaya binolock ko sya sa messenger. I was ok for day or two, but I heard news from friend that he was dating someone else. I went sa bar nag nagkakilala kami and saw that it was true. After weeks, I saw him with another guy and that’s the last time I saw him. I heard na nakipaglive in na sya sa guy na yun.

Even bitch fall in love kaya kung may pagkakataon ka na magmahal, magmahal ka ng totoo at tapat, marami sa atin naghahanap na forever pero bilang lang ang taong alam panindigan ang word na forever. Madaling pumasok sa isang relasyon pero mahirap makipagrelasyon.

Marming tao ang darating sa buhay natin. – magpapasaya, patatawanin ka, pagkakatiwalaan mo, paiibigin ka, magiging dahilan kung bakit ka ngumingiti sa bawat araw na lilipas na sa kalaunan sya rin magiging dahilan ng kalungkutan mo, mga taong susubok sa pagkatao mo. Anu man ang purpose nila sa buhay mo wag mong kakalimutan kung sino ka at kung anu ang mas importante sayo. Mahalin mo sarili mo higit kanino man, magbago man ang ihip ng hangin seo tandaan mo lahat ng aksyon at reaksyon mo ay maguupisa sa kung anu ang pananaw mo sa mga bagay.

It was painful and it took me sometimes to finish this story kasi everytime na nagsusulat ako nalulungkot ako na parang tinotorture ko yung sarili ko. Pero really time will heal everything. Hindi man mawawala ang marka ng sugat darating din yung panahon na hindi mo na mararamdaman ang sakit at maalala mo na lang pag nakikita mo ang peklat. Hindi mo man ganap na makalimutan ang lahat at least pag dating ng panahon hindi na masakit.

Sa edad kong ito marami na akong na-experience halos lahat ng bawal na try ko except sa pumatay ng tao.

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